WEIGHT AND THE EMOTIONS

Authored by Tricia Woolfrey

During my initial consultation with new clients, I always ask about the emotional drivers for eating and the foods they crave during these times. Not unsurprisingly - and unfortunately - no one says: “I am so depressed all I want right now is a nice healthy salad!”

It seems that when we feel bad, we want to distract ourselves from these feelings with foods that offer little or no nutritional value, even though the right – healthy -foods can have a positive effect on our mood. Instead, we tend to go for comfort foods that provide a quick fix, only to find this ‘high’ plummeting after a very short space of time, leaving us where we were before, or feeling even worse.

Because we’re not dealing with the real cause of our upset, but instead, distracting ourselves with food, once the initial high is gone, we’re left with the same emotion and need a distraction again - food. No wonder it is hard to lose weight and keep it off. But what is the solution?

Just as the dashboard on your car tells you when you need oil, water or petrol, your emotions can communicate your differing needs, too. They are signalling to you, calling out for action, but all you’re doing is shovelling in more food. So the emotions scream louder for action, you stuff down more food to distract yourself and the pounds keep piling on.

There are three important steps to breaking this cycle:

1) Identify the emotion
The primary emotions are anger, fear, sadness, guilt, stress, boredom and loneliness but it could be that your emotion is a variant of one of these. Generally if you are feeling frustration, it is because you have not dealt with one of the primary emotions and what you are doing is not working.

2) Identify the cause
This is really going to vary from person to person and situation to situation but let’s take an example. Mary is feeling guilty (the emotion) because she was irritable with her mother for no reason (the cause of the emotion).

3) Meet the need
What need is not being met? Guilt is crying out that things be made fair towards the other person. Previously, Mary simply reached for the chocolate when she felt guilty. But, because she did not identify the cause of the guilt and meet the real need, the guilt continued and so did the chocolate eating. So to meet the need Mary needs to make amends to her mother so that she no longer distracts from her guilt with chocolate.

As mentioned, emotions fall into these main types: sadness, loneliness, anger, guilt, boredom, stress and fear.

Frustration stems from those emotions not being sufficiently addressed in a positive way, and if the emotions continue to be ignored, the frustration increases and depression can ensue.

Whether we are feeling angry, or frustrated, or depressed, if we are not addressing the root cause then we may distract from the emotion with food, or suppress that emotion with food, or comfort ourselves with food (or something else). Since food does not solve the problem, the overeating continues as the need to keep distracting or suppressing or comforting persists. It is a vicious circle.

Negative emotion ==> Distract/suppress/comfort with food ==>
Frustration ==> Distract/suppress/comfort with food ==>
Depression ==> Distract/suppress/comfort with food ==>
Negative emotion ==> Distract/suppress/comfort with food
etc., etc., etc.

The way to avoid depression is to notice the originating negative emotion, identify it’s cause and resolve it in a constructive way (meet the need). In Mary’s case this was to make amends to her mother.

There are many emotional situations that cause a lot of us to reach for food to soothe and compensate. The following examples are a few of the most common we experience:

STRESS
As a natural occurrence, stress is actually necessary in order for us to be sufficiently motivated to get things done. However, negative stress has harmful consequences and occurs when the demands placed upon us are greater than our ability to deal with them.

Many people reach for food when they are stressed, but since no amount of chips, chocolate, cakes or anything else will ever help us to cope and take back control of our lives (if anything it will make it worse because overeating, especially of the wrong things, makes us lethargic) it is important to recognise that you are feeling stressed and find a way of managing it in order to get rid of the feeling.

Typically, managing stress involves learning to say no, becoming more assertive, learning how to work smarter, not harder and allowing for 80 percent perfection. This 100 percent business is significantly over-rated!

SADNESS
Sadness is described as a normal emotional reaction to the loss, or anticipated loss of access to a valued friend, loved one or cherished possession. Often confused with depression, it is usually experienced as emptiness. This emotion is telling us that something needs to be replaced, and it’s all too easy to do this with food. But how much food will fill the void of losing a loved one? How much chocolate does it take to replace a friend who has emigrated?

Once you have recognised that you have an urge to eat because of sadness, ask yourself what it is that you have lost and either get it back or replace it. If the sadness is about bereavement, of course you can’t get your loved one back, but you can find another relationship where you feel a sense of connection, support and companionship. It may not be the same or have the same intensity, but it will be a lot more effective at filling the void than junk food could ever be.

ANGER
Anger is a strong reaction to an injustice or a feeling that someone has contravened one of your values. And the cure? Well, you won’t find justice at the bottom of a biscuit tin! Anger is trying to tell you that things need to be put right, or made fair. So, instead of reaching for the biscuits, try and recognise where the anger is coming from and take appropriate action for it.

Angela’s husband never helps around the house whereas she works a full-time job, gets home, prepares dinner, then sets to work on the household chores before she can relax. Instead of speaking to her husband about helping her around the house, she stuffs down her emotions by reaching for sugary snacks. Because the problem persists as she isn’t dealing with it, she notices that her eating is getting out of control as she tries to control her emotions.

We, and women in particular, are often taught that anger is bad. However, anger in itself is not bad but what you do with it that matters. If the energy of anger is used in a positive way, it can protect us, ensuring that we are not taken advantage of. For example, Angela’s anger towards her husband is currently channelled into eating. Unhelpful. It might otherwise have been channelled into shouting at him. Also unhelpful. However, she could simply channel this energy into asking him to help her with the chores with an air of cheery optimism. This will be a positive influence on him and will more likely get the result she wants.

GUILT
Guilt is the anger we feel towards ourselves for being unfair to someone else. Again, no amount of food is going to combat this feeling. Guilt is calling out for you to make amends for a wrong that has been done by you. Sometimes, our ability to right that wrong with the “victim” is not possible for some reason. They may have passed away, or moved to a new city or country. However, it is possible to dispel that guilt by doing something good elsewhere. Doing a good deed for others is a great healer and a wonderful way to feel good about yourself.

We all make mistakes, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing from time to time – we’re all human. However, by correcting that mistake with an apology, or a good deed, we can ease the guilt that consumes us because consuming food will never achieve that for us.

LONELINESS
We can be alone without feeling lonely yet there are times when we can experience terrible loneliness in a room full of people. This is caused by a lack of connection to others, not a lack of contact. Often this lack of connection is caused by a lack of connection to ourselves. Excessive eating simply serves to widen the gap.

To feel a stronger sense of connection – a basic human need – learn to love yourself. What qualities do you have that you can appreciate? What do other people like about you? Start to make a connection with others, be interested in other people and they will connect with you.

Remember, food is just nutrition. It isn’t love, company, comfort or support. By recognising your emotions and dealing with them in a positive way, you can overcome your cravings for foods and regain control of your life.

How Can Hypnotherapy Help
Hypnotherapy can help you neutralise the emotional drivers for eating so that you change your relationship with food. It will help you deal with your emotions in a more constructive way. In addition, it can help you develop a strong motivation for healthy food and exercise.

Suggested Reading:
Secret Language of Feelings, Cal Banyan. Available from Tricia Woolfrey